Published on April 1st, 2016 | by Luke
UCI to No Longer Enforce Doping Controls
A shocking Press Release has revealed that the UCI will no longer enforce either in – or out-of-competition biological doping controls. This opens the door for unfettered doping among the pro ranks. UCI official Barnard Rumstubble listed several factors in the decision to ban doping restrictions.
“Mostly, it’s about finances,” Rumstubble claimed. “Most of the UCI’s budget is spent on catching dopers, and then covering up the results. By following the lead of other major sports; soccer, American football, basketball, baseball, hockey—essentially all of them—we will no longer have to invest money into maintaining a clean image and fighting the inevitable.”
Rumstuble went on to outline some of the UCI’s objectives moving forward. “Without the budgetary restraints of daily doping controls, coupled with the fact that cyclists will essentially be performing on a superhuman level, we hope to extend at least one of the Grand Tours to an eight-week schedule, with no rest days. The Spring Classics will be transformed as well. For instance, 2017’s Milan-San Remo will be renamed Milan-San Remo-Milan-San Remo, covering 595 kilometers (370 miles) with a 12-hour cutoff.”
“Let’s be serious,” Rumstubble continued. “Cycling fans want to see impossible feats of strength and endurance, and many pros are willing to sacrifice their long-term health for a few year’s worth of nice paychecks, so why not make everyone happy? Plus, we can clean up cycling’s reputation as a dirty sport by simply ignoring the problem, as most every other sport does.”
In addition to cutting costs, the UCI looks to further pad its coffers by attracting sponsorship opportunities from the pharmaceutical industry. “Drugs are where the real money is,” Rumstubble quipped. “We foresee a very lucrative future in which our athletes are free to improve their performance in any way they see fit. Mechanical doping controls will still be enforced. We have to draw a line somewhere. Plus, there is little to no sponsorship potential from manufacturers of seat tube motors…as of yet.”
Rumstubble refused to comment on the possible repercussions of the doping free-for-all on junior racers, stating “Ethics, reason, and long-term vision are all beyond the scope of the UCI’s mission.” For details of the UCI’s mission statement, click here.