You Think Peter Sagan has Huge Arms—As cyclists, we are supposed to aspire to cultivating torsos so emaciated that the cuffs on our race-fit short sleeve jerseys flap in the breeze. Upper body weight is seen as useless; simply ballast pulling us back down the hill. Biceps, delts, traps, and lats are for weight-lifters and downhillers, not proper cyclists.
You Live in the U.S. and Use the Metric System—Do people always get lost after you give directions to your house because they don’t know how far “three kilometers past the stop sign” is? Are you met with quizzical looks when you tell them your preschool-aged child weighs sixteen kilos? After years of exposure to grams, kilograms, and kay-ems, the units by which cycling is measured, many of us are constantly translating miles into kilometers and grams into pounds and ounces. If this sounds familiar, you have obviously spent some time surrounded by bicycles. You are especially hardcore if you don’t even bother converting and can “think metric.”
You Have Razor-Sharp Tan Lines—…and they are not limited to your quads and upper arms. While race-fit lycra creates some of the most well-defined borders between sun-kissed and melanin-deprived skin possible, the real give aways are the webs burned into your skin from helmet straps. While this interplay of light and dark may elicit double-takes from the general population, your co-conspiritors will respond with a nod and perhaps a tinge of envy that you were able to spend so much time spinning on a lovely, sunny day.
Your Legs Are Smoother Than Ru Paul’s—Male cyclists have always been chided by their non-cycling friends for keeping their legs free of filamentous outgrowths, and the serious leg-shaver will also indulge in any number of emollients, moisturizers, and salves. The end result is an epidermal layer that shines and enhances the muscle definition in your gams, but you really only shave your legs to make post ride massages from your soigneurs more comfortable, right?
You Have a Separate Set of Bedsheets for When You Have Road Rash—Crashing is something that is guaranteed if you spend enough time on a bike. It will happen more often on mountain bikes, but eventually the pavement will get you too. While they are healing, the large, oozing swaths of what used to be skin will stick to anything, leaving you with crusty, stained sheets when you wake up, if you were able to sleep at all. If you have a set of sheets you only break out along with the hydrogen peroxide, there’s a good chance all that time you have spent in the saddle has netted a few Strava KOMs as well. If you are single, all your sheets might be of the road rash variety, except for the set you use for special occasions…