Tales from the Tarmac | Sideburn Surprise

Wiggins treads a fine line bewteen ‘burn and mutton chop. Wiggins’ stylist is an important member of his team of support staff as mutton chops were recently banned by the UCI, leaving his stylist the important job of making sure his sideburns fall just inside regulations.

A cursory scanning of the cycling news outlets this morning alerted me to a startling occurrence in the U.K. It appears some bloke found himself in a spot of bother for a rather discomforting tweet involving Team Sky rider, Bradley Wiggins, his sideburns and an unrelated man’s pubic hair.

Lest you think I’m fabricating this whole thing, direct your browser this-a-way for the original article outlining the disciplinary action taken against a hospital worker who tweeted his plans to use patients’ pubic hair to create a set of Wiggins-esque sideburns.

Obvious discomfort at the thought of such an action aside, it did get me thinking. Sideburns seem to be uncharacteristically well represented in professional cycling, With Wiggin’s tour-winning chops leading the most recent charge, those also sporting bodacious ‘burns include Canadian XC-rider Geoff Kabush and Garmin-Sharp team director Jonathan Vaughters.

Vaughters’ sideburns change in real-time according to his mood. Like a ring. Except it’s facial hair.

Accordingly, the only question I have is ‘Why?’

Why allow your facial hair to mount a runaway offensive on your face? Why ascribe to a style much more at home in the 19th century than 2014? The answer? Well obviously it can’t be style alone—well, maybe excluding Mr. Vaughters at least. But as for Mr. Wiggins and Mr. Kabush? Don’t think for a second they haven’t analyzed the potential performance gains afforded by a pair of burly ‘burns.

Golden light for the man with the golden burns. Don’t think Kabush’s stellar World Cup career would have happened without them.

Looking to test these advantages out for yourself? Don’t worry, it’s as easy as pressing play.

The performance gains afforded by a solid set of sideburns have been Wiggins family knowledge for generations.